A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
Submitted by Rick Bell
There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."
Submitted by Jim J. Johnson
A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."
(Present continuous / just for fun)
Submitted by Jeremy Hookway
One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"
The prof said, "No and I don't care."
The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"
The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in
the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
Submitted by Mary Cobb Neighbors
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"
"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
"The Weather forecast?"
"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."
(Cantonese students have problems with "on the other hand" because there is a similar expression in Cantonese that means "in addition". This joke helps highlight the contrast implied.)
Submitted by Dick Tibbetts, Macau
This worked fine with my level 200a on up.
A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.
As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him.
Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.
This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:
"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"
Submitted by Peggy Datz
I think this joke is funny and so far, all of my intermediate to advanced ESL classes have agreed with me.
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
"What the heck do YOU want?"
Umm. do you have any nails?
What!? OF course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
I taught my students waddle, webbed feet but you could teach What the heck do you want, pal, barkeep, bartender, etc
It is also good to review "any"