English Teacher: "Johnny, the clock on the wall is not working, but you have a watch. What time is it?"
Johnny: "2 o'watch."
Submitted by Jing Wen
A young man comes before a customs agent.
A: "State your citizenship."
B:"American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."
B: "I sed American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you I"m American."
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it. Make a sentence with the following colors: green, pink and yellow."
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-laws house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and sed yellow!"
Submitted by Carlos Manuel Hernandez
My student who did not speak much English wanted to impress me one day. She had to walk past me while I was talking to someone. She said, "Excuse me, can I pass away?"
Submitted by Amelia
These are true stories.
Emiko shared a house with an American guy and his dog. Every month, he puts some flea medicine on his dog. One day, when he was putting the medicine, he told Emiko, "This flea medicine is expensive." She was confused and asked him, "Expensive? Didn't you just say it was FREE?"
Emiko went to a sandwich café with her American roommate. A waitress asked what they wanted. Emiko said, "I have a crab sandwich." Her roommate ordered a turkey sandwich. After a few minuets, their orders were ready. They sat at the table and got a bite. After a bite, Emiko showed her sandwich and said, "There is no crab." "What do you mean? You've got ham, bacon, and…," with a big smile on his face, he said to Emiko, "You wanted to eat CRAB. Not a CLUB sandwich."
Here's an old joke (revamped for EFL classes).
Three EFL students are walking down the road to their remedial listening comprehension workshop.
"It's windy" says the first.
"No it isn't, it's Thursday" says the second.
"Me too." says the third, "Forget the listening, let's go for a drink!"
Submitted by Bernadette Kelly
Two old men were sitting next to each other on the London subway (tube). Their hearing wasn't so good.
One says, "Is this Wembley?"
"No," the other says, "It's Thursday."
The first replies, "No thanks, I already had a drink."
Submitted by Kevin Ryan
Student to teacher," Are 'pants' singular or plural?"
Teacher, "They're singular on top and plural on the bottom."
Submitted by Emil
A student, who is studying English as a foreign language, was confused when he saw the words "open here" on a box of laundry soap, so he asks the clerk, "Can't I wait until I get home to open it?"
Submitted by Suwan Kansanoh