This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system
"Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of
Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)
Submitted by Barbara S.
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Submitted by Pat Bacon
(For advanced learners... and teachers?)
Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, "I'm Thor!"
His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"
Submitted by Walter F. Lockhart
Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
Submitted by C. Keyes
1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard?
Submitted by Leah Davis
You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
Submitted by George L. Washington
My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
Submitted by Jozef Karpat
"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
Submitted by The Clar (South Korea)
Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
Submitted by Rex Karz in Seattle
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
Submitted by r.d.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Submitted by Shahirah
Comment Probably too difficult for most ESL students.
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
Submitted by H. Terrell
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
Submitted by Anonymous
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Submitted by: Monirul Hassan
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Submitted by: Submitted by: Tshifhiwa Rambau
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Submitted by: Michael Trew Man: How can you tell if a man is happy?
Woman : Who cares?!
(Use as an example of a sexist joke.)
Submitted by Tomoyuki Noda from Japan